Almost 3.0

It is two more days before me version 3.0. I think i  need to write down something for myself, maybe as a reminder or a reflection what i have been through so far.

Maybe people see my life as a picture perfect life as a happy mom with adorable son and having and living a good life.

God will be mad at me if i dont be grateful for what i have. I do feel blessed with everything i have.

But i am a mere human. And as we all know there is no such thing call "perfect" in this world. I did regret some things, questioning lots of things, why this and why that and so on. To be truthfully honest my life today is waaaayyyy different with what i had in my mind in my early twenties. At first i felt that things were falling apart but in my late twenties i realised that things are not falling apart, it is falling into places. Places where it should be.

When i took a glance on my past by looking on my present, if i think with my heart i will always questioning lots lots lots oh things but if ..... to be continued my toddler is crying .....  but if i think with my logic it is all make sense.

Highlight on my twenties

Cant describe how much awesome moments and experiences that i have in my twenties. Major highlights are worked as trainee associate in a lawfirm, watched loads of concerts gigs live musics, studied aboard, Farid Iskandar, Married, delivered Arsakha to this world... Being a mom is definitely the MAJ!

One thing that i need to remember is :

what happened in your teen, twenties it will have impact on your life no matter how long it is.. it can be 10 year ago, 2 year ago or 15 years ago. When there was a situation where feeling get involved you just cant easily wipe it away. It will be part of your journey, you might not understand why certain things happened to you and why it sticks for so long until everything fall into places and finally you get it.

If i could send mesagge to all my child and grandchild and grandgrandgrandchild and so on :

"Please be careful with every decision that you make in your life, you might not know what it will bring to you and your heart. You have to be strong to face impacts and consequences from your decisions. If you do not have a strong heart to face it better ask and pray to God for help and peacefulness." *e080115

PeaceTakeCareGoodLuck
Erma ver 2.9

Memory Full - Force Stop

Today, i am experiencing a state of "memory full" in my laptop. it can not work properly. system error, can't save files, etc. Doing "force stop" doesn't help either, later i found out that 4GB RAM are all used. I don't know how to solve this. 

I assume there are at least 2 ways to fix it.

1. Erase all stuff that i no longer use, including files, pictures, applications, etc

or / and

2. Add more 4GB RAM (max capacity that my laptop can take) 

Now i start to think, it is kinda same with i am feeling right now. I think my heart is "memory full", it can not work properly. can not love well, seize life well, malfunctioning.

Doing force stop to certain feeling that i don't want to feel is not working too. You just can NOT "force stop" feelings. It is same with certain applications in computer that you just can't stop because you are using it - understand? 

At first, i don't understand, why i can't stop it all. but then i realized, because i am using it, you can not stop things that you need, even though you might not realized that you need it. Just like those certain applications that you just can't "force stop".

So, for myself i assume that i need to:

1. Erase all my feelings that i should not and can not have

or / and

2. Accept all my feelings bitter or sweet by expanding my heart capacity

Maybe, computer and human are not so different after all.

Cheers,

Peace Take Care Good Luck

@ermaeruma  

kata mereka sebaiknya menulis saja..

perasaan itu ada bukan untuk diingkari 

dan bukan untuk dihindari

tidak selalu bisa untuk diakui dan dihayati

tetapi bisa juga menyakiti

perasaan yang ada bisa jadi memenuhi

jiwa, pikiran dan hati

dan jika dihindari

bisa menyakiti diri

jika bisa diberikan sepenuh hati

kepada si pemberi inspirasi

mungkin bisa jadi tak berarti

karena tak saling mengisi

ingin diri menghilangkan ini

melarung semuanya pergi

tapi apa daya diri 

perasaan tidak bisa berjalan pergi

selama ini selalu tak diakui

perasaan yang dikira pergi

mengingkari diri sendiri

air mata tak terhindari

berharap tak punya rasa ini

yang mungkin tak akan mati

baiknya harus diakui

kalau memang rasa itu tak akan pernah pergi

peace takecare goodluck

@ermaeruma

terima kasih kepada my angels on earth ibu Andien dan ibu Oya piss piss piss sambil minum teh botol :D piss lagi ah hahhahaa :D

Pacaran Beda Agama - 2

This post is a continuation of my previous post Pacaran Beda Agama - 1.

Long story short, I decided not to marry the person -that at that time i thought that i loved him and he loved me and all lovey dovey thingy, soulmate and everything that you can imagine-. Even though he asked me to marry him.

The reason is we have differences. Which some couples can easily solve but not for us -okay, for me especially-.

Why? Because at some point i realized that i do NOT believe in love. Love can fade and change, i just can not predict when and why. And i can NOT put love as a base foundation of my marriage because it is fragile, most of all because i do not believe in love.

People mind tends to think what they want to believe. At that time I thought that we were in love, so did most of our friends. But i might be wrong, right. 

The reality is not long after we officially decide to separate, he found someone new. The good thing was when i heard about it from my friend, i have met my future husband and have set a marriage date. The truth is i do really want him to find someone new, just never imagined that it felt quite weird. 

This year, i have attended lots of inter-religion weddings. These couples have managed to solve their differences and i do believe that they have reasons which we (other people) need to respect. I am not going to judge anyone based on their preferences on marriage. Everyone has right to choose. 

Yesterday i went to a wedding. No, it is not inter-religion wedding. But the groom's mom and dad are praying in different ways. Even though the parent is in inter-religion family but they do not want their son marrying someone from different religion (i heard this from their relatives - i'm not sotoy or assuming, i heard the fact). 

I am not going to assume anything based on this post. I just want to share my experiences related to pacaran beda agama. 

I might continue to the 3rd part or not.

Peace Take Carre Good Luck

Erma

011213 

to erase a feeling - to create a feeling

do you know how to erase a feeling or to create one?

please let me know.

do i want to erase what i have inside? no. maybe. idk.

do i want to create what i dont have inside? yes. maybe. idk.

how about you?

or maybe i just have to synchronize it? with who or with what?

with you or with my brain?

tell me when you know the answer. 

peace take care good luck

erma

27nov13 

Lyric - Heartbreak Moment - Her Space Holiday

I used to think that being alone would somehow simplify my life

But I really know myself and I know I'm going miss tonight

Talking on the telephone or having all the postage paid

Will never make me feel as good as walking on those river banks



Laughing like two little kids sitting in the back of class

The only thing that's on my mind is how to make this moment last

So I pulled my camera out and aimed it at your smiling face

All the while we hear the sound of our time ticking away



I used to think that being in love would somehow complicate my life

But I really know my heart and I can hear yours beat with mine

Pounding on piano keys and strumming those old copper strings

Will always make me feel like you're standing right there next to me



Singing like two little kids waiting for the rain to pass

The only thing that's on my mind is how to make this moment last

So I pulled my feelings out and left them in your travel case

All the while we hear the sound of our time ticking away



If I was a rich man I would bring my friends along

We'd move up to the mountains and record a hundred songs

But since my wallet's empty and I have these lines to sing

Just know that I will see you all when I close my eyes and dream



I will see you Joseph with that child light in your eyes

Standing in the moonlight staring up at all the stars

We'll be with Piana as she plays those organ keys

And we'll all become kids again and laugh out loud until our hearts are free



Just her and him

Her and him and me

[ These are The Heartbreak Moment. Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ] 


----- one of my favorite songs, they (I) said a song can describe how you feel and deliver a hidden message. can you read my hidden message?------

peace take care good luck
erma
27nov2013

Pacaran Beda Agama - 1

12012013
I'm planning to watch a movie, too bad the movie is no longer in the cinemas. Too much controversy, they said. It's about inter-religion relationship (is it the correct term?) Anyway, it is about pacaran beda agama.

I have watched lots of Indonesian movies related to it, I think so far only Cinta Tapi Beda that I haven't get a chance to watch. Some people said it was too much, suggesting that kids to disobey to parents and so on. Since I haven't watch it -- I don't want to comment about Cinta Tapi Beda.

However, I have comments on general pacaran beda agama. Lots of them, not only comments but also stories (maybe true story, maybe fictions, maybe my story, maybe yours, maybe no one).

Why I want to share it here. Because it is my blog I basically I can write whatever I like :D Noooo lahhh that is not the real reasons. The real reasons are; I want to share it, I want to show you who are in pacaran beda agama to understand that you really can move on, and what I got from it.

Disclaimer: I am NOT suggesting anyone to pacaran beda agama/pacaran seagama or to menikah beda agama/menikah seagama or to continue their relationship or to end their relationship. Only big hearted person who can read this post since it will not be easy to understand.

There I said it :) Now, let's get start... Actually I want to write it in Bahasa but for some reasons, I write it like this - in my not so good English and Singlish and Bahasa.

--The Beginning--

Back then in a day when GusDur elected as a Indonesian President, I'm officially involve in pacaran beda agama (jadian lah istilah kerennya). Why? I'll be honest at that time (please be noted 'at that time') I wasn't consider religion as a super duper important thing in life (which I'm wrong..don't be mad at me, read this post entirely and you will understand or not -- up to you) and other reasons (related to my partner at that time, and I don't feel like to unveil it to you, hope you all can understand).
Sneak peek to my background I'm Indonesian, Jakartans. Both of my parents are from Jogjakarta and my big extended families come from many different religions. But my parent, my family to be exact is a quite religious one religion family.

--How It Goes--
And how it went? It went well, very well if I might say. I was happy, my partner never made me cry (even if I cry -- and I do cried a looooot -- it was because of our condition not because of my partner), I was madly in love. And at that time our love has through so many things, distance, other lovers and yes we tried to break up so many times but we always end up caring and loving for one and another. (This was how I felt and my assumption of my partner feeling too -- if I'm wrong.. It's my bad then hahaha :D) I consider I have found my soulmate at that time. We were so much in love and everybody can see it clearly. That was such a sweet memory. Okayyyy too much information,, long story short our relationship went well, until the ship of reality hits me so freaking hard right on my wide forehead.

..To be continue..
Please kindly wait for the second part befor you throw any not-so-good comments. Good comments and questions are always welcomed :)
Especially those movie producers and movie directors and book publishers :D
PeaceTakeCareGoodLuck
Erma

Eruma On Marriage

Let me describe here what is marriage according to me.

Marriage is an act with purpose/s.

If someone choose not to tie the knot, that's totally fine - as long as that's what they really want and it's reflected in their heart.

I choose to get married because I have purposes. What are my purposes?

My super purpose and the most of the most important is God. Call me 'sok relijius' but that's my highest purpose and basis of all my other purposes.

Involved in a marriage relationship is not easy. It really really takes '*idontknowhowtodescribe*' - okay basically for me it takes everything. That's why in my religion, there's a saying "menikah itu setengahnya agama". If I'm not mistaken ya.. The point is it is not easy, in this relationship, you'll learn and practice (at the same time) how to be grateful, patient, share, patient, loved, patient, understood, patient, patient, patient and 'ikhlas' (I don't know the correct term for ikhlas in english :P )

So, if you aren't married yet don't take conclusion too fast about marriage couples and marriage life because you do not know ~ because you're not married - as simple as that.

If you aren't married yet but want to get married as soon as possible. That's ok. But dear, please enjoy your singlehood life for yours sake. It is fun. When the time has come, you'll get married too eventually. Just be patient, enjoy and relax. Believe that God has good plans for you.

If you really really don't want to get married, please don't judge other's married life, because you don't know (because you're not married). Give respect to married people on their choice to tie the knot. Don't get mad if people expect you to get married, they don't understand and they're just trying to be nice.

FYI. I was 'I don't want to get married' people once. You can search on my previous posts - and you'll understand, if not, just ask me :) But I never looked down on people who get married. And I never get mad or 'sewot' whenever people expect me to get married. At that time, I did what I believed - I didn't have a partner (even if I had at that time, marriage wasn't an option for us) - I didn't live with a partner or depend on a partner - and I don't ("don't" not "didn't" ) believe in love. At that time I really really believed on my 'not to get married' belief. I lived my life freely, independently and most important I stayed single :D (I have more than 1 tshirt with 'single' on it haha :D) During that time I never ever looked down or mocked people who choose to get married. I respect them, I just didn't have the same belief as them at that time.

And now I have the same respect to them who choose to stay single. I try not to get mad or bothered when people mocked marriage life - it's because they don't know and understand (because they're not marriage).

Everyone has their path, choice and way of life. It is not our portion to judge them just because they have different perspective on marriage. Marriage is not a bad thing nor a good thing. It is an act with purposes. So, if you don't have any purpose don't get married then. And don't get married if you have no purpose.

It is your call. Do what you believe and reflect it. Respect others. Do not judge someone/something that you think you know but you don't. You're not in their shoes, don't try to judge whether it fits or not.

PeaceTakeCareGoodLuck

Erma

5Nov2012

Menikah itu menerima kekurangan dan kelebihan pasangan kita

I wish someone told me about this before the wed ceremony. But that's okay laa.. No one ever told me that it will be easy. It is a learning process and I learn my lessons.

It would be nice if I could spread these words to newlyweds but I guess it is not appropriate to post it on twitter since I don't know what will it brings.. So for the sake of my life I choose to post it in my blog instead.

But if I have the opportunity to tell the newlyweds, I will definitely spread the words. --- if I'm not forget :P

Peace Take Care and Good Luck
Erma
Oct 9 2012

Ps. I pray to God please give me big heart to accept my partner's 'kelebihan dan kekurangan' and so do him. Aameen.

Can I get more 'aameen' on this?

:D

according to me

i think and i do agree with my thought..

loving someone and

choosing someone to spend your lifetime with

is different.. these two things are not related...

according to me..

peace-takecare-goodluck
06april2011

A girl - Is it really there?

Love you can't see it but you can feel it. Is it really there?

A friend of mine has a boyfriend overseas. They have been dating for couple of years and only meet once a year which means they have met each other like twice..........

My other friends (actually including me :p) have a doubt. We are not saying that "there is something wrong with the boyfriend" or what but we just have a doubt in our mind.

Yet the girlfriend thinks that they love each other so freaking much and no one can separate them. Even though they are far, the girlfriend feels they are so close. (Ok, with the current technology such as Skype, Instant messenger and everything; it is make things simpler)

Yes it is true that we can not see or feel the love between them, but it just so hard to believe that it is there.

Ok, actually we have a big doubt on the boyfriend and all of us smell something fishy fishy. But apart from that, how come the girlfriend still thinks that everything is okay okay?.... Doesn't she feel something fishy too?

I don't think so.

I have been there. I was in a position of the girlfriend long time ago. It was not like my friends think there was something fishy between us, because if they felt something was wrong, they would have told me- they are my best friends, we hide nothing.

Neither do I. All that time I never felt something was wrong, all the love, lovey-dovey things, romantic stuff, Romeo and Juliet kind of love were there and I felt that - at least at that time I really really believed that all of those things were there and real.

That was like years ago, and I'm not with him anymore now.

Today, when I saw the girlfriend and her situation - I start asking myself : was it really there? I'm not referring to the girlfriend and the boyfriend, I'm referring to myself.

Erma, was it really there? What you had years ago with someone, was it really there?

If you asked me at that time, I would definitely without a doubt - Yes!

But if you ask me now, my answer would be - I don't know.

I don't know whether it was really there at that time or just my imagination or just something that I felt at that time -- or it was something that I wanted to feel with him at that time.

Creepy huh.. Just like a movie called Inception (the one with Leonardo DiCaprio and the guy from 500 days of summer). You cannot separate between what you dreamed of (or what you wanted to feel) with the reality.

It is so creepy... And love is a creepy thing. ~~~~~~~

PeaceTakecareGoodluck

Erma

9 November 2010

Below is a song from TwentyfirstNight - Mungkin. I think it kinda goes well with my post today. Enjoy :)

Procrastinating

Procrastinating

is my habit - its my old habit and now it attacks again in a wrong time. I really really need to finish this as soon as possible so that I can come back home to prepare my wedding (30 days to go). I have turned my laptop on since 10 am and now 10:24 pm I have not write anything :( shame on me. I am procrastinating, twitter and facebook are the greatest procrastinate tools ever, they have helped me to procrastinate.

I keep telling myself that I need to do it and just do it (sounds like Nike ad..) but I keep procrastinating again and again... and right away after I open my Microsoft Word (at 10 something pm, I opened my mic word - at last...) suddenly I feel like talking to someone or anyone or someone (yes there is particular someone that I want to talk to..).

I feel weak..

I never need to talk to anyone before I did my assignments but now... why?

is it just another reason that I make for procrastinate further?

or is it a necessity?

Anyway, now i feel that love makes me weak. It is too fast to conclude that I am in love or what but somehow when i start to feel something for someone i feel weak. and i DO NOT like it.

I do not like this feeling and i better start writing something or anything (that's why i write this blog - at least i write something hehehe xP) and since I cannot contact him right now, i better start writing in my microsoft word - not in my blog.

Ermaaaaa just f*cking do it!!!!!

Erm, JFDI!!!

PeaceTakecareGoodluck

Erma

2 11 2010

....

....

25oct2010
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Soulvibe - Masih

9 November 2010

PeaceTakecareGoodluck

Erma

My oh My...

My oh my...

My heart does not feel quite well right now.. cannot tweet it since i have promised *nomore lampautweets* ... I really thought everything is okay okay yesterday morning.. but after hearing something something from here and there, it turns out not so okay okay lah..

I remember when one of my long lost friend told me that i have to choose, it was around two years ago.

You know, sometimes the choice is not that chooseable (i know it is not a word, but you know what i mean, dont you?)

anyway,, i think i don't have to feel like this rite now.. unless i hear something something directly from him.. but he has moved on faster than me so his life must be full of love right now and i am genuinely happy for him.. i wish U love.. all the love in the world...

peace takecare and goodluck,

Erma

"for the sake of my thesis"

lets make this thesis-thing more interesting...

i promise my self when i finish my research proposal i will let the person know that i'm going to get married this year..

i know i've been postponed and postponed in let him know about my wedding, it is all because sometimes i feel that i do not need to tell him but i don't know.. i just don't know..

i want to tell him, i want to invite him to my wed even though i'm not that sure whether he wants to hear or come to my wed.. or maybe he doesn't care at all...

to be honest, i do not understand about 'how to invite your ex to your wedding' -- i think i should googled or youtubed it...

ok.. lets try.....

http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=how+to+invite+your+ex+to+your+wedding&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

what i found were things related to "should you invite your ex to your wed?" ok, that's definitely won't help me.. hahaha xD

actually i have one good advice from a good friend of mine:

he said that "if you want to let him know, just let him know then - now go, take your bb and send him an email - do not think too much.."

that's a good piece of advice and at that time i thought that i should send him an email right away.. but nope... i did not send him the email.

but i will. after i finish my rm :D

previously, i think i don't need to let him know but, just now, after i saw my friendster (yap fs not facebook) page and i felt something missing from it - i change my mind.. i have to let him know.. yes i have to let U know about my wedding.

peace takecare goodluck

Erma

27082010

Love is just a reason

(what I'm talking about here is love between two people - not love for the earth or whatsoever..)

When you are in my age, you will see love as a ridiculous thing.

it is no longer funny or make butterflies in your stomach fly..

it is more like a non-sense reason just to fulfill someone's ego..

When i was young, love is a funny-cute thing that can make butterflies in your stomach fly...

it gives red blush to your cheeks, sweaty hands and happy to the maxx feeling...

But now.. i see love has different excitement.

I'm not saying that love is a bad thing, it is just a reason.

Yes love is a reason for me.

Reason for someone to get what they want.

In my sole opinion, love is a commercial term. People in entertainment and advertisement industries use it to sell their products. You can count by yourself how many movies, music and advertisements inspired by love - then compare with others that are inspired by different matters. This is not bad, they are just using love to earn money. See... love has become their reason to get income.

What i see from my surrounding (probably it is different with yours),

People use love to fulfill their ego (i know its sounds weird... let me explain..)

Love suppose to be a happy situation where everybody is happy, right?

What if you "love" someone but in other hand you are hurting other person? it is definitely not a happy situation. And you refuse to let go your partner because you love her/him - even though you are fully aware that by loving your partner it will hurt somebody else. You use "love" just to fulfill your ego - to get what you want by ignoring other people's feelings.

I read somewhere that there is a theory saying that love is just a reason for human to survive in this world - which is lead to reproduction activities.

So, from what i know and learn up to now - love is just a reason. A reason that is not strong enough to build a relationship between two people. (at least that's my opinion :D)

peace-takecare-goodluck,

Erma

03082010

Moving On and Don't Look Back..

and one day, i look back - once.. just once..

I do not regret it. Sometimes when you look back, you'll find something new - might be interesting might be not. It depends on how you see things.

When you are ready to move on, somehow on 'weird' way the universe will help you to prepare whatever you might face afterwards... Sure, moving on is not the easiest phase in someone's life but it is a phase that everybody must face.

Writing - good friends - music are some of many good companions in 'moving on' phase. However, the most important thing is your own mind. Many people will say that the most important thing is your own heart. But not for me.. your mind controls your heart - that is why you have your brain in your head not in your stomach :D

Yesterday, I looked back on something that I've left years ago.. and I found something.. it made me feel -idontknowwhattowrite- and somehow it was something that I'd wished to happen but yesterday it felt so not right.

Today, I realize that I am happy with my life and what is behind is just a past and whatever happen in my past should be happy too - i know this sentence is quite confusing ^__^

Now i fully understand that I have wished for someone's happiness - someone in my past - now he has got it. I am happy for U.. just like these songs - songs that I always sing for U...

Someone New

I Wish You Love

PeaceTakecareGoodluck,

Erma

28 June 2010

A Shoe

A shoe

A sandal

A footgear

Barefoot

You can have all shoes in this whole world but you can only wear one when you walk.

You can love all people in this whole world but you can only pick one to spend your life with.

You can choose not to wear any shoe or sandal, yes you can choose to walk in barefoot.

I have prepared myself to walk barefoot in this land of love, since I cannot afford the shoe that I have always wanted.

Yes, I still have other shoes and sandals but they are not the one I want to walk with, I rather be barefoot.

I don't mind walking barefoot, what's the different anyway.. I walk, you walk, we walk..

One day I get a shoe. Since I have decided to be barefoot, any kind of shoes/sandals are the same to me.

The shoe is the one that I couldn't not accept, it is a gift, a present and real.

Not like my dream shoe in the past.

Somehow I just decide that I will walk in the land of love with the shoe.. No longer barefoot..

Peace Takecare Goodluck
Erma
25 May 2010

you are my reality;

a gift from God.

22052010

yes you are.

05082010

Songs in my playlist lately... repeat and repeat again...

You know when some people said that "if you want to know what someone feels, look at his/her playlist". I'm not really sure what i feel right know, but i'm quiet sure that i'm so in to these songs lately... and i wish i could hear these songs in my wed (even though i know these are not typical love songs that you'd hear in a wed...)

-in random order-

1. Mungkin - Twentyfirst Night

2. Masih - Soulvibe

3. Adelaide Sky - Adhitia Sofyan

4. Someone New - Eskobar feat Heather Nova

5. Mata Hati Telinga - Maliq and d'essential

6. Hanya Kau - The Adams

7. Blue Day - Endah and Rhesa

8. Reality - Adhitia Sofyan

more songs to add (maybe)....

peacetakecaregoodluck

Erma